Monday, July 26, 2010

Is there a such thing as Partum Depression?

Alrighty. So I feel sad today. I've felt sad for several days. I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings and quite frankly with DOING anything at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready to be a mom. Wouldn't it just be easier if I wasn't pregnant? Then I just feel like a bad person, and I feel even worse for even thinking that.

I keep having nightmares (and daymares) that there is something horrifically wrong with the baby. I can't sleep. Most days I don't even feel pregnant. I'm not showing yet, so then I wonder if the baby is growing like it is supposed to be.

A few weeks ago I was following a pregnancy board and I though how absurd it was that all of these women were buying dopplers so that they could hear the baby's heart beat whenever they wanted too. I felt so sure that everything was fine and everything would continue to be fine. I don't know what changed! Now I cannot wait until my appointment next week. I'm so afraid that I will go for my next ultrasound and find that the baby has stopped growing.

I've been trying not to break down every five minutes because all I really feel like doing is crying. In fact I did have a total break down this weekend. Lucky for me I have the best husband who knows how to deal with me when I'm a complete wreck. He's pretty good at telling me everything is going to be okay, and letting me cry it out.

I hate to say that I'm feeling antagonistic towards the baby, because that's not the right word. I don't feel anything. I haven't felt it move yet. I just feel sick and tired and afraid. I know my hormones are completely on overdrive right now, and I noticed it was a full moon this weekend, which never helps my optimism, but I wish I would start feeling better already! I am so sad. I'm tired of feeling sad. People always talk about how pregnancy is such a miracle, and how everything is worth it, and it should be the happiest time of your life! They fail to mention the part where you wonder if you can do it at all.


  1. First thing Tasman, HUG!!!!
    What you're feeling is completely normal. I hate the first part of pregnancy: you don't look pregnant, you don't feel pregnant, you just feel like crap all the time.
    Hormones are a big part of it. I remember making myself crazy waiting for my next appointment where I could hear the heartbeat.
    It'll get better.. and when you feel it move, that will be a reward all on it's own. The great thing about being pregnant for 9 months is that you've got that time to feel better about being a mom.
    Don't worry about being ready.. you'll never actually be ready, that's part of the adventure. Comforting, I know, but that's the reality. The other reality is that you'll find that in spite of being completely unprepared, you'll be happy to learn. :)

  2. Aaaw, I love you Tazzie! Things will be okay. Like "Kat" said, you're tangled up in pregnancy hormones. I think that all that hypervigilence is intended to help prepare you to take care of the baby when it gets here. Meanwhile, practice your self-soothing mantras. Everything will be fine. Visualize yourself and your baby as well beings. Then, just relax and take care of yourself and your body will do the rest. Most things that can go wrong, do so in the first trimester, and you're already past that, so let that knowledge help to sooth you. You'll feel that little critter squirming and kicking around soon enough! Take care, and call if you need to talk. Love you.

  3. We all love and support you in EVERY mood!

    First off, the only people you hear talking about how pregnancy is the happiest time of your life, is people who actually ARE happy being pregnant! I, for one was MISERABLE through all 3 of mine. With the 1st I was tired and cranky and moody and nausious (sp?) all the time. It didn't help that every single one of my co-workers talked openly about how much of a BITCH I was (and still do!). There are so many women in the same boat as you. They just don't talk about it so much.

    Secondly, you're only about 12 weeks along? While it is so normal to feel nervous about that baby's well being, it's still too early to feel movement. You're also probably just getting into that "fat" stage. You don't fit into your normal clothes but your not ready for maternity wear? Yeah, being your 1st and all, you'll probably be in that stage for a while. It usually takes a little more time to start "showing" with your 1st than subsequent ones.

    Third, I have not met one parent yet that has much confidence in themselves before or after baby (well maybe ONE, who shall remain nameless). It will probably never go away, even after he/she is all grown up.

    I'm sorry if I'm just the scary lady today. But you're not alone! I know your not exactly normal but everything you're feeling is.

  4. Ha! Erin you made me laugh. No I am NOT normal. Thank you all for your love and support. I'm feeling much better today. I think it helped a lot to just write it all down and get it out there. (I am actually 15 weeks now, and in case you were wondering I find out the sex on the 16th! wooo!)
    I definitely know how you feel about the women you work with. My can be really nasty sometimes. And the worst part is, they have no idea how rude they are! (How this is possible, I'll be the last to know) Luckily there is another girl who just found out she is pregnant- and guess what? She's bitchier than me! lol
    So I guess I can share some of the stress with a fellow preggo.
    I love you all. Thank you again for being here for me. <3

  5. I'm so excited for you! A lot of times they can't tell the sex because he/she is turned the wrong way, so don't get your hopes too high. All you'll do is cry and cry and cry if you can't find out (trust me on that)!


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