Alrighty. So I feel sad today. I've felt sad for several days. I'm struggling with getting up in the mornings and quite frankly with DOING anything at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready to be a mom. Wouldn't it just be easier if I wasn't pregnant? Then I just feel like a bad person, and I feel even worse for even thinking that.
I keep having nightmares (and daymares) that there is something horrifically wrong with the baby. I can't sleep. Most days I don't even feel pregnant. I'm not showing yet, so then I wonder if the baby is growing like it is supposed to be.
A few weeks ago I was following a pregnancy board and I though how absurd it was that all of these women were buying dopplers so that they could hear the baby's heart beat whenever they wanted too. I felt so sure that everything was fine and everything would continue to be fine. I don't know what changed! Now I cannot wait until my appointment next week. I'm so afraid that I will go for my next ultrasound and find that the baby has stopped growing.
I've been trying not to break down every five minutes because all I really feel like doing is crying. In fact I did have a total break down this weekend. Lucky for me I have the best husband who knows how to deal with me when I'm a complete wreck. He's pretty good at telling me everything is going to be okay, and letting me cry it out.
I hate to say that I'm feeling antagonistic towards the baby, because that's not the right word. I don't feel anything. I haven't felt it move yet. I just feel sick and tired and afraid. I know my hormones are completely on overdrive right now, and I noticed it was a full moon this weekend, which never helps my optimism, but I wish I would start feeling better already! I am so sad. I'm tired of feeling sad. People always talk about how pregnancy is such a miracle, and how everything is worth it, and it should be the happiest time of your life! They fail to mention the part where you wonder if you can do it at all.