Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Super Fun Infant Games

So Weiland played a lot of fun games this morning. They were SO fun in fact, that I thought I would share them with everyone else. The first one was called the "It's four in the morning and I'm wide awake and there is nothing you can do about it" game. This game in and of itself isn't TOO bad, but it was being played concurrently with the "I'm not hungry but I'm going to use you as a human pacifier" game. FUN times! Then came the "It's five a.m. and I'm still wide awake but I'm PISSED OFF because I told you there was nothing you could do about it, but you keep trying to give me my binky and make me fall asleep" game. This one makes you REALLY want to tear your hair out. And finally: the (and this is THE MOST FUN in my opinion) "Okay I'm tired now but I will only sleep if you keep me in your arms at a 52° angle and bounce me every third second with a double bounce every fifth time" game. So my son is FINALLY asleep, but guess who's playing the "It's 8:24 in the morning and I'm wide awake and there is nothing you can do about it game?" **Sigh**


So immediately after posting this blog my omniscient little son realized that mommy was awake and woke himself up with a tremendous fart. Mommy proceeded to change his diaper, said fart having turned out to be a "shart," and we embarked on a new game I like to call the "I pee AND poop on you, me, and the surrounding area" game. This one involves multiple costume and scenery changes. SO we moved to stage 2: The SHOWER. Where through an ironic twist, the washcloth I chose (the one with cute little baby chicks on it) happened to have the exact same coloring as my son's poop, so I at first didn't notice that we were playing round two of "I pee AND poop on you, me, and the surrounding area" game. But lucky for me, The SHOWER, comes with SOAP! TAKE THAT IRONY!! I won that round. We move on to the drying off stage of the game, and yep, you guessed it: ROUND 3 of the "I pee AND poop on you, me, and the surrounding area" game. Touche little poop monkey, touche. So after a third round of costume changes and a thorough wipe down of the surrounding area(s), I gave in to fate and acknowledged that my son, myself, and the surrounding area(s) just might smell faintly of soiled baby diaper for the rest of the day. Sorry people who might interact with me today, I've learned a valuable lesson; that when tiny people play games with you, you rarely win, and you NEVER have the last word (or poop - as the case may be).

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


It was 2:30 pm and my husband and I headed to my 40 weeks doctor's appointment (one day after my due date). I had been having irregular contractions on and off for the past two days, but now that my sister and mom had arrived I was really hoping things were progressing. The doctor examined me and I was only dilated to a measly one centimeter, but I had had some minor "leakage" and I thought that maybe my amniotic sac had a tear. I asked the Doctor to check for me, and before the words were out of my mouth a big flow of fluid gushed out of me. Yep my water broke right then and there. The doctor then proceeded to manhandle the shit out of me (I guess he was stripping my membranes?) and told me to get dressed and head to the hospital. At this point my adrenaline started pumping a little bit! Holy crap I was about to have a baby!

When we got to the hospital they wheeled me to the maternity unit and got me hooked up to about a bazillion different monitors. Little did I know at the time but this meant that I would be stuck in bed for the rest of my labor.

I was having mild contractions at the time but I was content to wait it out and let my labor progress on its own. At some point during the peak of a contraction my water REALLY broke. It scared the shit out of me! I thought that had already happened, and this second gush of fluid had me convinced that I was dying. This is when shit got real. My contractions got very strong at that point.

After about 6 hours of intense back labor the doctor came in to check me. I had progressed to 3.5cm. That's about 1cm every three hours. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?? I damn near had a panic attack right then and there.

I decided it might be prudent to take something to "take the edge off." Little did I know.... whatever crazy ass shit they gave me proceeded to make feel at first very stoned, and then later to pass out completely, which sounds great, right? WRONG. I woke up at the peak (read: MOST PAINFUL part) of each contraction - which were now coming right on top of each other. The result being that I was only cognizant for the most excruciating parts of my labor. I remember only being aware enough to pray for the pain to stop, and as it started to fade I was unconscious again. I remember hearing my panicked husband saying that my eyes were rolling into the back of my head, and I wondered if I was overdosing on whatever it was that they had given me.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity the drugs started to wear off. I have no idea how long it really was. At this point I decided I wanted the epidural. So much for my natural child birth. I cried the whole time while the nurse held me still and the anesthesiologist stuck a needle in my spine.

After that the pain went away swiftly, but I could not longer move or feel my lower extremities. The next time the doctor came to check on me my labor had completely stopped. F****ing awesome.

Oh did I mention that my labor happened to fall in the wake of a full moon? Yeah, I was about to have my baby along with every other pregnant woman in Wayne county. It turns out that I wasn't the most important preggo in there and I didn't see another nurse for the rest of the night. Hours went by... I dozed, my husband tried to... And then came the golden hour: 7:00am - SHIFT CHANGE TIME.

In sweeps an angel named Dee. Can I just tell you that I LOVED Dee? She swept in with her cute little pixie cut, all business and said "Are you ready to have a baby?"
"Hells yes!"
and chop chop lickity split she got. shit. done.

It was such a relief after a night of being ignored and wondering when I was going to finally have this little boy! Before I knew it the doctor was in the room and telling me to PUSH! PUSH PUSH PUSH.
So I did. And I pushed some more. I'm not really sure how long I pushed but it was wonderful. So many leaps and bounds better than the nightmare of the night before. And then he was there. He was beautiful and aware and weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces. And I was TIRED, tired and THIRSTY. And then the next most wonderful thing next to having a beautiful healthy little boy happened: I got to EAT and DRINK! It was the best meal of my life!

So that's the story of how Weiland Stockton Rompf made his way into the world, and how mommy discovered that any food (even hospital food) is delicious to a starving person.